looks like I'm going to have to leave my job.
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it.
I love my job, truly. I just cant really handle it anymore.
looking for a new job, something in photography, phlebotomy, or even a secretary.
I feel like something is missing from my life. I really cant figure out what it is.
I do know I'm missing my CF friends. I know that distancing myself is the best thing for me. But it still saddens me that I cant be as involved as I'd like to.
Medically have been having issues. Just not been much into discussing it.
I have to say I'm thankful for my friends who have been supporting me through this shit time in my life.
I love you all
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Update
hey everyone,
yeah its been awhile,
I've been going through a lot of hard times and just not been up for anything really.
been suffering from depression really bad. did some time in a mental health program, changed some meds around. etc. I'm still seeing a psychologist & psychiatrist.
some medical issues have come up but I'm not going to go into that.
I'm just really messed up emotionally right now and I don't know where I want to be in life.
incase you havnt noticed I deactivated my facebook, the world of CF is far too overwhelming right now, and I can't handle anymore sadness/loss/sickness/grief in my life.
I love you all.
yeah its been awhile,
I've been going through a lot of hard times and just not been up for anything really.
been suffering from depression really bad. did some time in a mental health program, changed some meds around. etc. I'm still seeing a psychologist & psychiatrist.
some medical issues have come up but I'm not going to go into that.
I'm just really messed up emotionally right now and I don't know where I want to be in life.
incase you havnt noticed I deactivated my facebook, the world of CF is far too overwhelming right now, and I can't handle anymore sadness/loss/sickness/grief in my life.
I love you all.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Sudden Deaths hit the hardest.
Yesterday was an incredibly hard day.
It started out normal, woke up, medicated, showered, got dressed.
Then I headed off to Wayne Day (kind of festival in my town, Wayne)
When I arrived I realized I had missed a text from a friend from work.
the text said: "Hey Kate, Just cuz I know you're good friends with her, apparently Yollie the PCT has CHF and is in the ER, they had to intubate her :("
Well I freaked, got back in my car and went home (after stopping at walgreens to get Yollie a card).
I got home, put my lunch in my bag and left. headed to work. (to see Yollie)
I arrived at about 11:30 am. I rounded the corner and saw 2 people in the hallway, one of which I could see was Yollie's brother. I stopped and spoke with them, asked if it was ok if I went in to see her. They said yes.
I went in, and literally fell over. It was just so shocking. To see someone who I had just spoken to (asking if she needed a ride to work, as I often pick her up) on a ventilator. She was 100% dependent on the vent. o2 sats still in the 70s. BP at the time was 49/27.
This is what I've gathered so far as to what happened:
She came into work that day, for day shift (7a-3p) which she never does, and thank God she did, if she hadnt, this would have all happened at home, and she lives alone, so no one would have known.
so yeah, she came in, mentioned she was feeling dizzy and short of breath, so her manager sent her to the ER. upon arrival in the ER they sent her to get a CT scan of her head (for the dizzyness) when she lie flat for the test is when everything started to snowball. once back in the ER they did blood gases and other assorted blood work.
her oxygen saturation was insanely low. they put her on the bi-pap for awhile, to no avail. then decided to intubate. :
While I was there they did a chest Xray. Both lung were completely white washed. one of the doctors said something about a 'flash pulmonary edema'.
During the time I was there she was mildly awake, making eye contact, following people with her eyes, squeezing hands, and of course biting and fighting the vent.
One of the doctors also ordered a chest tube because there was a slight pnuemothorax in the left lung. the chest tube was a preventative measure because as it was the vent was just barely sustaining her with both lungs, if one collapsed it wouldn't have been good.
anyway, I stayed with her from 11:30 until 3pm when I had to drag myself away from her and start my shift.
I was finishing up my beginning of the shift routine when I got a text from a friend who worked in the ER. simply saying "=(" I replied "its not looking good?"
2 seconds later another friend amazing friend (of both mine & yollie's), Zamy, ran into the room I was in and just said "they're doing CPR"
I looked back at the nurse I was helping at the time and she nodded. I washed my hands and left the room. Zamy & I stood in the hall for a moment, she hugged me and I cried. I didnt go back to Yollie at that point because a) I was still at work and b) they didnt want the whole hospital to know yet. then my work phone went off. I hit the 'end' button cuz I really couldnt deal with anything just yet. but then the charge nurse came around the corner and told me I had a phone call from the ER. I already knew what they were going to say.
I answered the phone already crying.
"Kate?"
"yes?"
"Yollie just passed away, if you want to come down the family said you can"
I'm honestly not sure if I even hung up the phone.
I RAN down the hall.
jumped in the elevator which thankfully didn't take long.
in the elevator I collapsed into a sobbing heap.
once downstairs I ran down the hall to the ER, crying.
the security guard tried to ask if I was okay, again, I don't know if I responded.
I ran to her room where I waited outside the curtain, I didn't want to barge in on the family.
once being invited into the room I fully lost it.
I just couldn't believe it. someone who 8hrs earlier walked into the ER joking that she just wanted to go home. was dead.
at about 5pm the supervisor came down. talked with the family. then talked with me. she decided I needed to be sent home. she called my mom, who came and got me.
Zamy came down then too, walked around with me, cried with me.
I just. I cant believe all of this. Yollie was an incredibly amazing friend. and one of the best PCTs we'll ever have. She will truly be missed by everyone.
I love you Yollie. Rest In Peace <3
left: Zamy, right: Yollie
It started out normal, woke up, medicated, showered, got dressed.
Then I headed off to Wayne Day (kind of festival in my town, Wayne)
When I arrived I realized I had missed a text from a friend from work.
the text said: "Hey Kate, Just cuz I know you're good friends with her, apparently Yollie the PCT has CHF and is in the ER, they had to intubate her :("
Well I freaked, got back in my car and went home (after stopping at walgreens to get Yollie a card).
I got home, put my lunch in my bag and left. headed to work. (to see Yollie)
I arrived at about 11:30 am. I rounded the corner and saw 2 people in the hallway, one of which I could see was Yollie's brother. I stopped and spoke with them, asked if it was ok if I went in to see her. They said yes.
I went in, and literally fell over. It was just so shocking. To see someone who I had just spoken to (asking if she needed a ride to work, as I often pick her up) on a ventilator. She was 100% dependent on the vent. o2 sats still in the 70s. BP at the time was 49/27.
This is what I've gathered so far as to what happened:
She came into work that day, for day shift (7a-3p) which she never does, and thank God she did, if she hadnt, this would have all happened at home, and she lives alone, so no one would have known.
so yeah, she came in, mentioned she was feeling dizzy and short of breath, so her manager sent her to the ER. upon arrival in the ER they sent her to get a CT scan of her head (for the dizzyness) when she lie flat for the test is when everything started to snowball. once back in the ER they did blood gases and other assorted blood work.
her oxygen saturation was insanely low. they put her on the bi-pap for awhile, to no avail. then decided to intubate. :
While I was there they did a chest Xray. Both lung were completely white washed. one of the doctors said something about a 'flash pulmonary edema'.
During the time I was there she was mildly awake, making eye contact, following people with her eyes, squeezing hands, and of course biting and fighting the vent.
One of the doctors also ordered a chest tube because there was a slight pnuemothorax in the left lung. the chest tube was a preventative measure because as it was the vent was just barely sustaining her with both lungs, if one collapsed it wouldn't have been good.
anyway, I stayed with her from 11:30 until 3pm when I had to drag myself away from her and start my shift.
I was finishing up my beginning of the shift routine when I got a text from a friend who worked in the ER. simply saying "=(" I replied "its not looking good?"
2 seconds later another friend amazing friend (of both mine & yollie's), Zamy, ran into the room I was in and just said "they're doing CPR"
I looked back at the nurse I was helping at the time and she nodded. I washed my hands and left the room. Zamy & I stood in the hall for a moment, she hugged me and I cried. I didnt go back to Yollie at that point because a) I was still at work and b) they didnt want the whole hospital to know yet. then my work phone went off. I hit the 'end' button cuz I really couldnt deal with anything just yet. but then the charge nurse came around the corner and told me I had a phone call from the ER. I already knew what they were going to say.
I answered the phone already crying.
"Kate?"
"yes?"
"Yollie just passed away, if you want to come down the family said you can"
I'm honestly not sure if I even hung up the phone.
I RAN down the hall.
jumped in the elevator which thankfully didn't take long.
in the elevator I collapsed into a sobbing heap.
once downstairs I ran down the hall to the ER, crying.
the security guard tried to ask if I was okay, again, I don't know if I responded.
I ran to her room where I waited outside the curtain, I didn't want to barge in on the family.
once being invited into the room I fully lost it.
I just couldn't believe it. someone who 8hrs earlier walked into the ER joking that she just wanted to go home. was dead.
at about 5pm the supervisor came down. talked with the family. then talked with me. she decided I needed to be sent home. she called my mom, who came and got me.
Zamy came down then too, walked around with me, cried with me.
I just. I cant believe all of this. Yollie was an incredibly amazing friend. and one of the best PCTs we'll ever have. She will truly be missed by everyone.
I love you Yollie. Rest In Peace <3
left: Zamy, right: Yollie
Touring the UK *unfinished*
Leaving:
left the house at about 6:30pm. flight was at 9pm.
slept on the plane for about 3hrs. arrived in London at ohhhh 8am UK time.
hopped right on the train up to Manchester.
Manchester:
once in Manchester we walked to our hotel and got settled in. (washed up, changed & called Rachy's mum to come fetch me)
and then... DRUM ROLL!!!! the moment I'd been waiting 4 yrs for! I got to meet Rachy!!!! I also got to meet Rachy's mum Lynnette and the lovely Holly
Holly only stayed for a few mins after I arrived. shortly after Holly left my mom & rachy's mum wandered off to do some chatting. leaving Rachy and I to bask in the joy of finally meeting each other!!
It was so amazing to finally meet her! I adore her to bits and pieces! after awhile our mums returned and then I joined them for dinner. once we'd been gone for about 30mins Lynnette got a text from Rach saying "I'm done eating, bring my duck back!"
so up we went, back to miss Rachael! My mom and I stayed awhile longer. We left much sooner than I'd wanted to but we needed to let Rachy get some rest as she looked completely exhausted. (as did we)
The next day mom & I got up early and went for breakfast & coffee (or hot chocolate in my case) at an adorable coffee shop! we also walked around the city, there wasnt much to do yet since nothing opened until 10am. lol.
at about noon we headed over to the train station to meet another amazing friend, Alan!
He joined us in our exploring. we toured an old church from the 1400s. then went on the ferris wheel in the rain. which was cool. but also sucked. cuz I'm terrified of heights. and the rain didnt help! lol we then went for lunch, and then caught trains to our next destinations. (Alan went home, we headed for Scotland!)
left the house at about 6:30pm. flight was at 9pm.
slept on the plane for about 3hrs. arrived in London at ohhhh 8am UK time.
hopped right on the train up to Manchester.
Manchester:
once in Manchester we walked to our hotel and got settled in. (washed up, changed & called Rachy's mum to come fetch me)
and then... DRUM ROLL!!!! the moment I'd been waiting 4 yrs for! I got to meet Rachy!!!! I also got to meet Rachy's mum Lynnette and the lovely Holly
Holly only stayed for a few mins after I arrived. shortly after Holly left my mom & rachy's mum wandered off to do some chatting. leaving Rachy and I to bask in the joy of finally meeting each other!!
It was so amazing to finally meet her! I adore her to bits and pieces! after awhile our mums returned and then I joined them for dinner. once we'd been gone for about 30mins Lynnette got a text from Rach saying "I'm done eating, bring my duck back!"
so up we went, back to miss Rachael! My mom and I stayed awhile longer. We left much sooner than I'd wanted to but we needed to let Rachy get some rest as she looked completely exhausted. (as did we)
The next day mom & I got up early and went for breakfast & coffee (or hot chocolate in my case) at an adorable coffee shop! we also walked around the city, there wasnt much to do yet since nothing opened until 10am. lol.
at about noon we headed over to the train station to meet another amazing friend, Alan!
He joined us in our exploring. we toured an old church from the 1400s. then went on the ferris wheel in the rain. which was cool. but also sucked. cuz I'm terrified of heights. and the rain didnt help! lol we then went for lunch, and then caught trains to our next destinations. (Alan went home, we headed for Scotland!)
Friday, May 20, 2011
Brilliant Bree
Bree Cordick.
One of the most amazing people I could ever hope to call my friend.
Bree suffered from Bronchiectasis. She received the gift of life, a double lung transplant on 7/8/09.
She was recently struck with a viral neurological infection. which claimed her sight then her life. a few days ago she was taken off life support. Bree we're all praying for you. If this is goodbye then have a safe journey to heaven. Love you <3
Bree you are an insiration, a hero & an angel. Most of all you're a great friend! I'll miss our "boohooyou" chats. (lol) you were always there when I needed to talk. I'll never really get used to you not being online all the time. and I cant believe this is the way you're going out. you should have years more. you should be able to accomplish everything you desired. I know you used those lungs well and made your donor proud. but I wish you had more time. Even though we never met you were one of the realest friends I had (I dont think that is a proper sentence but you'll forgive me) I love you so much Bree Cordick. you kick ass doll face!
all my love to you and your friends and family!
♥ Ducky
One of the most amazing people I could ever hope to call my friend.
Bree suffered from Bronchiectasis. She received the gift of life, a double lung transplant on 7/8/09.
She was recently struck with a viral neurological infection. which claimed her sight then her life. a few days ago she was taken off life support. Bree we're all praying for you. If this is goodbye then have a safe journey to heaven. Love you <3
Bree you are an insiration, a hero & an angel. Most of all you're a great friend! I'll miss our "boohooyou" chats. (lol) you were always there when I needed to talk. I'll never really get used to you not being online all the time. and I cant believe this is the way you're going out. you should have years more. you should be able to accomplish everything you desired. I know you used those lungs well and made your donor proud. but I wish you had more time. Even though we never met you were one of the realest friends I had (I dont think that is a proper sentence but you'll forgive me) I love you so much Bree Cordick. you kick ass doll face!
all my love to you and your friends and family!
♥ Ducky
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
you're handicap?
So yeah, this is kinda an addition to the previous post about Daniella's graduation.
Anyway, upon arrival at the school we followed the flow of traffic into the parking areas. One of the security/cops saw my handicap tag and directed me to the handicap parking. Unfortunately there was another security/cop dude there who was not quite as intelligent. He decided to stand in front of my car so I couldnt go in the direction of the handicap parking lot. The first one tried to correct him by pointing out that I had a handicap tag. The second guy responded by rather rudely saying "You dont look handicapped" I simply replied by saying "I have a heart condition" and driving away, he then yelled "Oh come on!" I didnt reply, as I was driving away. but seriously asshole.
to this moron:
its not up to you to decide what handicapped looks like. grow up you over inflated ego asshat!
P.S. someone should get me this
Anyway, upon arrival at the school we followed the flow of traffic into the parking areas. One of the security/cops saw my handicap tag and directed me to the handicap parking. Unfortunately there was another security/cop dude there who was not quite as intelligent. He decided to stand in front of my car so I couldnt go in the direction of the handicap parking lot. The first one tried to correct him by pointing out that I had a handicap tag. The second guy responded by rather rudely saying "You dont look handicapped" I simply replied by saying "I have a heart condition" and driving away, he then yelled "Oh come on!" I didnt reply, as I was driving away. but seriously asshole.
to this moron:
its not up to you to decide what handicapped looks like. grow up you over inflated ego asshat!
P.S. someone should get me this
Friday, May 13, 2011
Feelings and Future
So my best friend Daniella, graduated college today.
which is more amazing than I can ever say!
Had a lot of fun at the ceremony with our other friend and her family.
I cried. but thats not surprising. we all know how emotional I am.
though it also got me thinking about my future. Daniella and I graduated high school together. so theoretically I should be graduating soon too. but I'm not.
granted I had a few health problems that held me back a few semesters. but still, I feel slightly like a failure. I know thats silly of me, but I wish I had the ability to just stop being so....A.D.H.D and more able to focus. *sigh*
anyway Congrats to my most amazing friend DNAcat!
which is more amazing than I can ever say!
Had a lot of fun at the ceremony with our other friend and her family.
I cried. but thats not surprising. we all know how emotional I am.
though it also got me thinking about my future. Daniella and I graduated high school together. so theoretically I should be graduating soon too. but I'm not.
granted I had a few health problems that held me back a few semesters. but still, I feel slightly like a failure. I know thats silly of me, but I wish I had the ability to just stop being so....A.D.H.D and more able to focus. *sigh*
anyway Congrats to my most amazing friend DNAcat!
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