My Fighting Zebra

My Fighting Zebra, Melissa, is finally at rest.

Melissa went into hospice in early March, and was not expected to last more than a few days.
but true to form, she managed to make it for another 7 months.


It is hard to explain the feelings I have right now. Of course it is heartbreaking to lose someone like her, but at the same time, I know she was ready to be free of pain. In a way, I was ready too.

After watching her suffer in pain and struggle to breathe for so long, peace became the blessing. We had talked about it many times, knowing there was no amount of medicine that could even take the edge off and that there was no chance of improvement, we began accept and even welcome the "end".


Melissa was a true inspiration to anyone that knew her. Despite her illness she always managed to smile and laugh; And those around her couldn't help but do the same. Her joy was contagious and she brought out the best in people. Melissa's love for her family and friends was second to none, her loyalty and generosity unmatched. She had a heart of pure gold. Not a day will go by without me remembering her. I have only known her for about 3 years but in that time our bond became one of the strongest I've ever had.

Zebra & Ducky. 

Best Friends Forever.

Breathe Easy my Fighting Zebra,

may you finally have the peace you deserve.

March 12th, 1983 - October 24th, 2012

Happy 23rd Birthday Cindles

The memories we made will last forever.
Days and nights spent together.
Thick and thin we stood strong.
Through happiness and laughs, through struggles and tears.
Our friendship rose above it all.
The sound of your voice, the feel of your hugs,
your light that always shown through. 
I'd give anything to have that back, to see your face once more.
But I'll keep you always in my heart, until we meet again.

Happy 23rd Birthday my Beautiful CF Warrior. 
♥

I miss you. so so so so so so so much. 

it still hurts like it was yesterday. 

you mean the world to me  ♥

Breathe Easy angel 

My Dear Alan

My dearest Alan,


Today (5/3/12) marks 3 weeks that you're gone and I've been struggling with what to write to you.
You were/are by far one of the most amazing people I've ever been lucky enough to call a friend.
I will forever cherish that day we met (in person) May 25th, 2011. (even though Alli couldn't come =(...)
It was less than one year ago, and even though it was raining and my mom felt the need to tour an old church, we still had fun. And of course, who could forget that terrifying ride in the Ferris-wheel, it was bad enough that I'm afraid of heights, plus the rain didn't help. But it was time together and I will never forget that day.


And when I think of you
I will forever think of those skype chats we had for days at a time.
I will forever think of how loyal a friend, how devoted a husband to Alli, and how pure at heart you were.
I will think of all those times you were there for me, no matter what hour. You listened to what I had to say, never once did you judge me. I could tell you things I couldn't tell anyone else and know that it was safe.
I will forever think of the laughs we shared.
I will forever think of you when I hear a P!nk song. (especially "Perfect")

I know that my life, will never be the same.


You left a hole in my heart that will never be repaired. And while I am comforted to know you are finally at peace, it still hurts to know you're gone.


I love you more than you know and I miss you every day.


My Shiny.
My Best Friend.
My Hero.
My Alan. <3

Breathe Easy

June 24th, 1984 - April 12th, 2012

Breathing Hope for Alan -facebook page

Donate to Breathing Hope for Alan

one of the hardest things I've had to do

I know I say this a lot, but this is one of the hardest things I had to do...

As many of you know, one of my dearest friends Melissa Hauser is on hospice. (end of life home care) 2 weeks ago yesterday we were talking and I asked her if she thought she would make it to Monday (which would be 3 days later) and her reply was "I'm trying hun, I'm trying".
the next morning (saturday) I backed up my shit, and got in my car, and drove to her. I spent that day with her before returning to Emily's house, which is where I was spending my nights. The next few days I made the drive from Cheshire to Vernon & back to visit Melissa. Then I decided to give the family more alone time and started going only a few days a week. It has now been exactly 2 weeks since I got here, and true to form, Melissa is still hanging on. Unfortunately I need to go home on Monday. It breaks my heart, but I have 10 doctor appointments to make, and go to, before April 3rd. I also may be getting surgery during this time as well. It has also been 3 weeks since I've seen my mom, and she is getting VERY anxious. Yesterday I said my goodbyes to Melissa, for the last time. We hugged for a long time. It was so hard, walking out that door and knowing I'd never be back. I'd never see her again. I'd never see her sweet and loving dog, Abby, again. We would never make our heart hands again. It felt so wrong, I felt so cold, just walking down her driveway. I sat in my car, just looking at her house, crying, for a good 15mins before I drove away, for the last time. Now I know, Melissa is not gone yet, however, I will not be back. It is a 3+ hour drive, and it makes my mom very nervous. I will most likely drive up for the service, when that time comes. But that will be different, I will not be driving up for a visit with my dear friend, I will be driving up to mourn her. Melissa is an amazing friend, and it kills me that I cant be there with her. I love you Melissa.






Hand Hearts Forever <3



Saying Goodbye

Sudden Deaths hit the hardest.

Yesterday was an incredibly hard day.
It started out normal, woke up, medicated, showered, got dressed.
Then I headed off to Wayne Day (kind of festival in my town, Wayne)
When I arrived I realized I had missed a text from a friend from work.
the text said: "Hey Kate, Just cuz I know you're good friends with her, apparently Yollie the PCT has CHF and is in the ER, they had to intubate her :("

Well I freaked, got back in my car and went home (after stopping at walgreens to get Yollie a card).

I got home, put my lunch in my bag and left. headed to work. (to see Yollie)

I arrived at about 11:30 am. I rounded the corner and saw 2 people in the hallway, one of which I could see was Yollie's brother. I stopped and spoke with them, asked if it was ok if I went in to see her. They said yes.

I went in, and literally fell over. It was just so shocking. To see someone who I had just spoken to (asking if she needed a ride to work, as I often pick her up) on a ventilator. She was 100% dependent on the vent. o2 sats still in the 70s. BP at the time was 49/27.

This is what I've gathered so far as to what happened:
She came into work that day, for day shift (7a-3p) which she never does, and thank God she did, if she hadnt, this would have all happened at home, and she lives alone, so no one would have known.
so yeah, she came in, mentioned she was feeling dizzy and short of breath, so her manager sent her to the ER. upon arrival in the ER they sent her to get a CT scan of her head (for the dizzyness) when she lie flat for the test is when everything started to snowball. once back in the ER they did blood gases and other assorted blood work.
her oxygen saturation was insanely low. they put her on the bi-pap for awhile, to no avail. then decided to intubate. :

While I was there they did a chest Xray. Both lung were completely white washed. one of the doctors said something about a 'flash pulmonary edema'.
During the time I was there she was mildly awake, making eye contact, following people with her eyes, squeezing hands, and of course biting and fighting the vent.
One of the doctors also ordered a chest tube because there was a slight pnuemothorax in the left lung. the chest tube was a preventative measure because as it was the vent was just barely sustaining her with both lungs, if one collapsed it wouldn't have been good.

anyway, I stayed with her from 11:30 until 3pm when I had to drag myself away from her and start my shift.

I was finishing up my beginning of the shift routine when I got a text from a friend who worked in the ER. simply saying "=(" I replied "its not looking good?"
2 seconds later another friend amazing friend (of both mine & yollie's), Zamy, ran into the room I was in and just said "they're doing CPR"

I looked back at the nurse I was helping at the time and she nodded. I washed my hands and left the room. Zamy & I stood in the hall for a moment, she hugged me and I cried. I didnt go back to Yollie at that point because a) I was still at work and b) they didnt want the whole hospital to know yet. then my work phone went off. I hit the 'end' button cuz I really couldnt deal with anything just yet. but then the charge nurse came around the corner and told me I had a phone call from the ER. I already knew what they were going to say.
I answered the phone already crying.
"Kate?"
"yes?"
"Yollie just passed away, if you want to come down the family said you can"

I'm honestly not sure if I even hung up the phone.
I RAN down the hall.
jumped in the elevator which thankfully didn't take long.
in the elevator I collapsed into a sobbing heap.
once downstairs I ran down the hall to the ER, crying.
the security guard tried to ask if I was okay, again, I don't know if I responded.
I ran to her room where I waited outside the curtain, I didn't want to barge in on the family.
once being invited into the room I fully lost it.

I just couldn't believe it. someone who 8hrs earlier walked into the ER joking that she just wanted to go home. was dead.
at about 5pm the supervisor came down. talked with the family. then talked with me. she decided I needed to be sent home. she called my mom, who came and got me.
Zamy came down then too, walked around with me, cried with me.

I just. I cant believe all of this. Yollie was an incredibly amazing friend. and one of the best PCTs we'll ever have. She will truly be missed by everyone.

I love you Yollie. Rest In Peace <3



left: Zamy, right: Yollie

Emotions

So much is going on in my head and my heart. I'm not sure where to start really, so I feel I'll just ramble. Deal with it.

It seem like people are dropping all around me. with the most recent being my own uncle.

its causing regressios in my depresion. I've been feeling the need to cut again.

I'm moody, irritable, lonely all the tme, never hungry or starving, I havnt slept in 4 days. I'm having problems at work. I dont know what to do anymore.

I'm losing it. I've got an increase in my anti depressants and a new sleep aide. but this sleep aide is Ambien, and I'm afraid to take it.

I've been having palpatations, I shake all the time, I cant breathe, I feel like I'm going to break.

I'm scared.

My shrink basically told me I need to pull myself together because I'm not the only one in my family that needs support (I.E. my grandmother and my mom)

I know that, I understand that, But I cant help it. I'm cracking. I want to cry all the time.

I feel like my friends dont want me around.

the only people I've been able to talk to are Mebsie, Maria and Daniella.

I cant deal with people and their rumors and lies and drama.

I just want to get away from everyone.

But I cant.

Help me.

Someone. Help Me.

I'm not "ok" stop asking.

No, I'm not okay. No, I'm not going to tell the whole story every time someone asks. so here you go!

I'm kinda going through too much right now to deal with everyone wanting to ask whats wrong all at once, so just read this.

On Saturday, my 21st birthday, a CF legend died. Eva M.
Rest In Peace Eva. Breathe Easy Angel.

On Monday, my uncle died. Leaving behind my 17yr old cousin. <3

after that all the days start blending together.

I hit a bunny on my way home from work, and cried.
I had a nightsweat caused by one of the meds I'm on mixed with the high level of stress I'm under right now. and when I say nightsweat, I mean like. climbed out of a pool wearing all my clothes and got in bed. Have to change the sheets, type of nightsweat. This nightsweat proceeded to ruin my brand new Ipod touch that I got on saturday for my birthday. I got a parking ticket for parking infront of my own house, on a side street that no one drives on unless they live there. Not that I could have avoided it. Theres a huge dumpster in my drive-way for the useless construction workers. Along with my mom's fat assed car. and my grandma who is down planning the funeral for my uncle. and I cant park next to her because that leaves a foot between my car (with the door closed) and the brick wall. which is fine for me to get out, but my dad is the one that has to move the car in the morning so he can get out of the garage.
thankfully my amazing best friend is going to have her step-dad try to get rid of the ticket for me.

now, moving on.

last night at work, I had two meltdowns.
I was already in an aweful mood when I was leaving for work (how could I not be)

As soon as I got to work I saw the name of a certain nurse on the board, who was going to be working on my side. and I was like NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

anyway, as I was writing the names of the nurses next to the room numbers on my papers so I knew who to get report from. the woman walks up behind me, takes the papers out of my hand and goes "I need my vitals"
I'm just like.............-blank stare-

Later shes like "Katelyn where have you been, I've been looking everywhere for you, You need to get vitals on the new ER, and strip the bed of the discharge"

I had been sitting at the computer at the oncology nurses station, putting in my vitals....plus. its not that hard to hit the page button and say "katelyn can you come to the nurses station?"

anyway, as we're walking down the hall we see that another nurse has already stripped the bed. and she goes "oh it looks like NURSE B is doing your job for you"

(like seriously wtf)

a few mins later she comes and finds me again and goes "well! the patient in the room you just walked out of was sitting in a dirty diaper, the daughter came and found me and asked me to change her"

(when I walked out of that room, 3mins earlier the daughter was all smiles and said "thank you" as I walked out. the fact that she went to find Nurse A, insted of telling me, is not my fault)

the night continued to go on like this, but I dont really feel like typing all of it.

at one point Nurse C came up and was like "uhhhm Katelyn I need you to stay up front because some of the nurses were looking for you and couldnt find you"

I'm thinking dont you mean "Nurse A didnt have me kissing her ass for thirty seconds and freaked out"

Like seriously, I know the nurses have alot to do, but she had 7 patients, I had 16. I'm reporting to 3 nurses. not just her. she needs to freakin chill. and learn some respect.

So finally I called her aside and I'm like "look, is there something I'm doing that you just dont like? because it seems like you're constantly looking for something to call me out on."

and then she went on a rant about how she doesnt think I have a routine, (which is bull) and yada yada yada.

Anyway, Like I said.
I'm kinda going through too much right now to deal with everyone wanting to ask whats wrong all at once, so...now you know.


on the plus side, My awesome friend Mebsie is coming for the weekend, and my BFF Daniella will be home for the weekend also. which makes life better. Cant wait!

I'd also like the thank my new friend Little Hug for helping me through all this



(my adorable present from Megz that came at just the right time)



~!Breathe Easy!~