health update

So for anyone who didn't know, my white cell count was recently found to be low. Also multiple lumps were found in my lymph nodes in my neck and under my arms. While theres no answer to why my cell count is low, I've been given the good news that everything looks benign, I have my next follow up is in 3 months.

So lost without you

The first guy I meet. the first decent guy I meet.
The first one I let in. the first one I let truly see me.
The first guy I feel like I can really trust.
In over five years. Since my rape.

Tells me he doesnt label relationships. 'they are what they are'
And doesn't think of me as a 'girlfriend' but simply a 'friend'


I wish I knew that before I started letting him in.
Before we kissed.
Before I started falling for him.



I can't believe I let myself fall so hard, so fast.
I'm so stupid.
I want my mom.




Taken from my 'Duck Facts' not on facebook:
-I love too fast.
-I trust too easily.
-I need my mom more than anyone will ever know.

Update

Right, So heres a few updates.

I has a new boy of interest. (as of July 23rd) and he rocks :)


Also I've been out of work since the 29th of July. and will be out for awhile longer. I'm officially on medical leave.

Started with High blood pressure. which was fixed by changing my meds and adjusting my pacemaker. (161/141 was my usual for a few days)

Then the fun started.
Dizziness, floaters, passing out. Daily.
we've established its not my heart. I'm jumping around from doctor to doctor.
Neurologist, Optomologist, ENT. & more.

Checking cell counts, kidney function, and everything else under the sun.

its annoying. I miss my job. I just want them to figure out what it is, fix it, and let me get on with my life.

Clinical Depression

What people need to understand about Clinical Depression is that just because things in life may be going smoothly doesn'tt mean things inside are going just as good.
With Clinical Depression you dont need a reason to feel unhappy.
When bad things happen, it makes sufferers feel worse.
Sometimes good things may improve symptoms, but thats not always the case.

Basically what I'm getting at is; Yes, I just got home from a wonderful vacation. BUT, YES! I'm still feeling very axious, nervous, oversensitive and sad.
I don't need a reason! Thats just how it works.

Please stop harping me and telling me I should be fine. I'm not.

More emotions

So yeah, I had a massive meltdown yesterday morning.
well I guess it was the afternoon.
It was all triggered by no one waking me up, so I slept till 1pm. and since I take an hour in the shower, that was clearly not a good thing. since I leave the house at 2:15 to go to work. but yeah. after I got out of the shower I lost it. since it was 2pm. and my dad was not very helpful. plus I really didnt feel up to going to work, but I only have 8 sick days left for the rest of the year. so I need to not waste them. and I really didnt feel like getting the crap beat out of me by one of our confused patients. I already have scars from that one.

I guess the breakdown was really just a build up of stress.
I havnt had a real day off in weeks.
my last weekend off was the weekend ziggeh was here. I hardly sat down that whole weekend. and my last day off I spent at the hospital visiting cindy.
dont get me wrong. I love them both. but I need a break!
so today I decided to stay in bed.
I've been starting to feel crappy.

another thing adding to my crazy emotions is the fact that I suck at relationships. and I'm kinda in one now. and I dont wanna fuck it up. I dont wanna ruin our friendship if we end up not being together. I wish I could verbalize whats going through my head when I'm with him. but for some reason all I do is giggle.

I just feel kinda useless lately.

Emotions

So much is going on in my head and my heart. I'm not sure where to start really, so I feel I'll just ramble. Deal with it.

It seem like people are dropping all around me. with the most recent being my own uncle.

its causing regressios in my depresion. I've been feeling the need to cut again.

I'm moody, irritable, lonely all the tme, never hungry or starving, I havnt slept in 4 days. I'm having problems at work. I dont know what to do anymore.

I'm losing it. I've got an increase in my anti depressants and a new sleep aide. but this sleep aide is Ambien, and I'm afraid to take it.

I've been having palpatations, I shake all the time, I cant breathe, I feel like I'm going to break.

I'm scared.

My shrink basically told me I need to pull myself together because I'm not the only one in my family that needs support (I.E. my grandmother and my mom)

I know that, I understand that, But I cant help it. I'm cracking. I want to cry all the time.

I feel like my friends dont want me around.

the only people I've been able to talk to are Mebsie, Maria and Daniella.

I cant deal with people and their rumors and lies and drama.

I just want to get away from everyone.

But I cant.

Help me.

Someone. Help Me.

I'm not "ok" stop asking.

No, I'm not okay. No, I'm not going to tell the whole story every time someone asks. so here you go!

I'm kinda going through too much right now to deal with everyone wanting to ask whats wrong all at once, so just read this.

On Saturday, my 21st birthday, a CF legend died. Eva M.
Rest In Peace Eva. Breathe Easy Angel.

On Monday, my uncle died. Leaving behind my 17yr old cousin. <3

after that all the days start blending together.

I hit a bunny on my way home from work, and cried.
I had a nightsweat caused by one of the meds I'm on mixed with the high level of stress I'm under right now. and when I say nightsweat, I mean like. climbed out of a pool wearing all my clothes and got in bed. Have to change the sheets, type of nightsweat. This nightsweat proceeded to ruin my brand new Ipod touch that I got on saturday for my birthday. I got a parking ticket for parking infront of my own house, on a side street that no one drives on unless they live there. Not that I could have avoided it. Theres a huge dumpster in my drive-way for the useless construction workers. Along with my mom's fat assed car. and my grandma who is down planning the funeral for my uncle. and I cant park next to her because that leaves a foot between my car (with the door closed) and the brick wall. which is fine for me to get out, but my dad is the one that has to move the car in the morning so he can get out of the garage.
thankfully my amazing best friend is going to have her step-dad try to get rid of the ticket for me.

now, moving on.

last night at work, I had two meltdowns.
I was already in an aweful mood when I was leaving for work (how could I not be)

As soon as I got to work I saw the name of a certain nurse on the board, who was going to be working on my side. and I was like NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

anyway, as I was writing the names of the nurses next to the room numbers on my papers so I knew who to get report from. the woman walks up behind me, takes the papers out of my hand and goes "I need my vitals"
I'm just like.............-blank stare-

Later shes like "Katelyn where have you been, I've been looking everywhere for you, You need to get vitals on the new ER, and strip the bed of the discharge"

I had been sitting at the computer at the oncology nurses station, putting in my vitals....plus. its not that hard to hit the page button and say "katelyn can you come to the nurses station?"

anyway, as we're walking down the hall we see that another nurse has already stripped the bed. and she goes "oh it looks like NURSE B is doing your job for you"

(like seriously wtf)

a few mins later she comes and finds me again and goes "well! the patient in the room you just walked out of was sitting in a dirty diaper, the daughter came and found me and asked me to change her"

(when I walked out of that room, 3mins earlier the daughter was all smiles and said "thank you" as I walked out. the fact that she went to find Nurse A, insted of telling me, is not my fault)

the night continued to go on like this, but I dont really feel like typing all of it.

at one point Nurse C came up and was like "uhhhm Katelyn I need you to stay up front because some of the nurses were looking for you and couldnt find you"

I'm thinking dont you mean "Nurse A didnt have me kissing her ass for thirty seconds and freaked out"

Like seriously, I know the nurses have alot to do, but she had 7 patients, I had 16. I'm reporting to 3 nurses. not just her. she needs to freakin chill. and learn some respect.

So finally I called her aside and I'm like "look, is there something I'm doing that you just dont like? because it seems like you're constantly looking for something to call me out on."

and then she went on a rant about how she doesnt think I have a routine, (which is bull) and yada yada yada.

Anyway, Like I said.
I'm kinda going through too much right now to deal with everyone wanting to ask whats wrong all at once, so...now you know.


on the plus side, My awesome friend Mebsie is coming for the weekend, and my BFF Daniella will be home for the weekend also. which makes life better. Cant wait!

I'd also like the thank my new friend Little Hug for helping me through all this



(my adorable present from Megz that came at just the right time)



~!Breathe Easy!~