Confusion

well yeah,
as some of you have heard, I was fired from my job because I couldnt get cleared to go back.
However thats not the case. When I called Human Resorces they told me that my boss couldnt fire me. (theres more detail to that but I dont feel like going into it)

I'm thinking about taking a photography & graphic design course. (associates degree)

So next week my mom has meetings in both London & Oxford. and we were going to try to use her frequent flier miles to bring me along. however I'm not seeing much of a point anymore. I've lost all my friends. because I'm a huge jerk. and no one wants to see me.
I'm counting on abbeh. my one UK friend who hasnt turned me down.
ILY abbeh <3

Health Updates / Perfect Gift

health update time:

Health is getting better. I have my meeting with occupational health tomorrow to see if they will clear me to come back to work. My cardiologist still has me on a heart monitor, and is still trying to work out the right meds for me but thinks I should be good enough to go back to work. My neurologist agrees.

My return to work note says:
"Katelyn Bush carries a new diagnoses of Neurocardiogenic Syncope,
Based upon the results of recent evaluations,
Katelyn is restricted from activities of height or near an unguarded body of water due to the risk of fainting.
Katelyn should be allowed to maintain a source of fluids, such as water or gatorade during work/class.
Katelyn may return to work but should be allowed to modify her work schedule as necessary.

In General Katelyn should be allowed to rest whenever necessary and should not be asked or compelled to complete tasks beyond her self determined exercise capacity. "

I'm very excited to go back, and I'm really hoping to go back full time, though the doctor at occ. health may suggest I go back full time. Which I guess would be ok, but I'd still prefer to go back to my life. and my full time job!


now, onto the gift!

So, I need help thinking of the perfect gift for my mom.
I know her birthday was 2days ago. she knew it was going to be late.
But I dont know what to get. I was going to get a paraffin wax tub. but I've decided not to. Everyone knows my mom is like my best friend. and I need this to be perfect.

please. any suggestion would be nifty!

health update

So for anyone who didn't know, my white cell count was recently found to be low. Also multiple lumps were found in my lymph nodes in my neck and under my arms. While theres no answer to why my cell count is low, I've been given the good news that everything looks benign, I have my next follow up is in 3 months.

So lost without you

The first guy I meet. the first decent guy I meet.
The first one I let in. the first one I let truly see me.
The first guy I feel like I can really trust.
In over five years. Since my rape.

Tells me he doesnt label relationships. 'they are what they are'
And doesn't think of me as a 'girlfriend' but simply a 'friend'


I wish I knew that before I started letting him in.
Before we kissed.
Before I started falling for him.



I can't believe I let myself fall so hard, so fast.
I'm so stupid.
I want my mom.




Taken from my 'Duck Facts' not on facebook:
-I love too fast.
-I trust too easily.
-I need my mom more than anyone will ever know.

Update

Right, So heres a few updates.

I has a new boy of interest. (as of July 23rd) and he rocks :)


Also I've been out of work since the 29th of July. and will be out for awhile longer. I'm officially on medical leave.

Started with High blood pressure. which was fixed by changing my meds and adjusting my pacemaker. (161/141 was my usual for a few days)

Then the fun started.
Dizziness, floaters, passing out. Daily.
we've established its not my heart. I'm jumping around from doctor to doctor.
Neurologist, Optomologist, ENT. & more.

Checking cell counts, kidney function, and everything else under the sun.

its annoying. I miss my job. I just want them to figure out what it is, fix it, and let me get on with my life.

Clinical Depression

What people need to understand about Clinical Depression is that just because things in life may be going smoothly doesn'tt mean things inside are going just as good.
With Clinical Depression you dont need a reason to feel unhappy.
When bad things happen, it makes sufferers feel worse.
Sometimes good things may improve symptoms, but thats not always the case.

Basically what I'm getting at is; Yes, I just got home from a wonderful vacation. BUT, YES! I'm still feeling very axious, nervous, oversensitive and sad.
I don't need a reason! Thats just how it works.

Please stop harping me and telling me I should be fine. I'm not.

More emotions

So yeah, I had a massive meltdown yesterday morning.
well I guess it was the afternoon.
It was all triggered by no one waking me up, so I slept till 1pm. and since I take an hour in the shower, that was clearly not a good thing. since I leave the house at 2:15 to go to work. but yeah. after I got out of the shower I lost it. since it was 2pm. and my dad was not very helpful. plus I really didnt feel up to going to work, but I only have 8 sick days left for the rest of the year. so I need to not waste them. and I really didnt feel like getting the crap beat out of me by one of our confused patients. I already have scars from that one.

I guess the breakdown was really just a build up of stress.
I havnt had a real day off in weeks.
my last weekend off was the weekend ziggeh was here. I hardly sat down that whole weekend. and my last day off I spent at the hospital visiting cindy.
dont get me wrong. I love them both. but I need a break!
so today I decided to stay in bed.
I've been starting to feel crappy.

another thing adding to my crazy emotions is the fact that I suck at relationships. and I'm kinda in one now. and I dont wanna fuck it up. I dont wanna ruin our friendship if we end up not being together. I wish I could verbalize whats going through my head when I'm with him. but for some reason all I do is giggle.

I just feel kinda useless lately.