Emotions

So much is going on in my head and my heart. I'm not sure where to start really, so I feel I'll just ramble. Deal with it.

It seem like people are dropping all around me. with the most recent being my own uncle.

its causing regressios in my depresion. I've been feeling the need to cut again.

I'm moody, irritable, lonely all the tme, never hungry or starving, I havnt slept in 4 days. I'm having problems at work. I dont know what to do anymore.

I'm losing it. I've got an increase in my anti depressants and a new sleep aide. but this sleep aide is Ambien, and I'm afraid to take it.

I've been having palpatations, I shake all the time, I cant breathe, I feel like I'm going to break.

I'm scared.

My shrink basically told me I need to pull myself together because I'm not the only one in my family that needs support (I.E. my grandmother and my mom)

I know that, I understand that, But I cant help it. I'm cracking. I want to cry all the time.

I feel like my friends dont want me around.

the only people I've been able to talk to are Mebsie, Maria and Daniella.

I cant deal with people and their rumors and lies and drama.

I just want to get away from everyone.

But I cant.

Help me.

Someone. Help Me.

I'm not "ok" stop asking.

No, I'm not okay. No, I'm not going to tell the whole story every time someone asks. so here you go!

I'm kinda going through too much right now to deal with everyone wanting to ask whats wrong all at once, so just read this.

On Saturday, my 21st birthday, a CF legend died. Eva M.
Rest In Peace Eva. Breathe Easy Angel.

On Monday, my uncle died. Leaving behind my 17yr old cousin. <3

after that all the days start blending together.

I hit a bunny on my way home from work, and cried.
I had a nightsweat caused by one of the meds I'm on mixed with the high level of stress I'm under right now. and when I say nightsweat, I mean like. climbed out of a pool wearing all my clothes and got in bed. Have to change the sheets, type of nightsweat. This nightsweat proceeded to ruin my brand new Ipod touch that I got on saturday for my birthday. I got a parking ticket for parking infront of my own house, on a side street that no one drives on unless they live there. Not that I could have avoided it. Theres a huge dumpster in my drive-way for the useless construction workers. Along with my mom's fat assed car. and my grandma who is down planning the funeral for my uncle. and I cant park next to her because that leaves a foot between my car (with the door closed) and the brick wall. which is fine for me to get out, but my dad is the one that has to move the car in the morning so he can get out of the garage.
thankfully my amazing best friend is going to have her step-dad try to get rid of the ticket for me.

now, moving on.

last night at work, I had two meltdowns.
I was already in an aweful mood when I was leaving for work (how could I not be)

As soon as I got to work I saw the name of a certain nurse on the board, who was going to be working on my side. and I was like NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

anyway, as I was writing the names of the nurses next to the room numbers on my papers so I knew who to get report from. the woman walks up behind me, takes the papers out of my hand and goes "I need my vitals"
I'm just like.............-blank stare-

Later shes like "Katelyn where have you been, I've been looking everywhere for you, You need to get vitals on the new ER, and strip the bed of the discharge"

I had been sitting at the computer at the oncology nurses station, putting in my vitals....plus. its not that hard to hit the page button and say "katelyn can you come to the nurses station?"

anyway, as we're walking down the hall we see that another nurse has already stripped the bed. and she goes "oh it looks like NURSE B is doing your job for you"

(like seriously wtf)

a few mins later she comes and finds me again and goes "well! the patient in the room you just walked out of was sitting in a dirty diaper, the daughter came and found me and asked me to change her"

(when I walked out of that room, 3mins earlier the daughter was all smiles and said "thank you" as I walked out. the fact that she went to find Nurse A, insted of telling me, is not my fault)

the night continued to go on like this, but I dont really feel like typing all of it.

at one point Nurse C came up and was like "uhhhm Katelyn I need you to stay up front because some of the nurses were looking for you and couldnt find you"

I'm thinking dont you mean "Nurse A didnt have me kissing her ass for thirty seconds and freaked out"

Like seriously, I know the nurses have alot to do, but she had 7 patients, I had 16. I'm reporting to 3 nurses. not just her. she needs to freakin chill. and learn some respect.

So finally I called her aside and I'm like "look, is there something I'm doing that you just dont like? because it seems like you're constantly looking for something to call me out on."

and then she went on a rant about how she doesnt think I have a routine, (which is bull) and yada yada yada.

Anyway, Like I said.
I'm kinda going through too much right now to deal with everyone wanting to ask whats wrong all at once, so...now you know.


on the plus side, My awesome friend Mebsie is coming for the weekend, and my BFF Daniella will be home for the weekend also. which makes life better. Cant wait!

I'd also like the thank my new friend Little Hug for helping me through all this



(my adorable present from Megz that came at just the right time)



~!Breathe Easy!~

Twenty-One

Well its officially my 21st birthday!

Never thought I'd make it this long. (since I wasnt supposed to live past 2)
But hey! here I am, and I'm doing great!
So thankful for everything in my life.
Would also like to take the time to remember a good friend, my first friend with Cystic Fibrosis. Kaitlyn Vece, who died 5 years ago today. on my 16th birthday.
I still think about her all the time, and I thank her for getting me involved with CF. I will love and miss her always <3 Rest In Peace Vece <3


on a not so happy note, I will be spending my 21st birthday at work, with bronchitis, and with no dog. My dog is sick, and will be going to the vet in the morning. :( feel better Skutchy. I love you.






As a premature baby, on life support.



Video for Vece

My Eulogy for Eileen

Oh Eileen,

Who would have thought that what started out as nothing but a double shift would quickly become a bond, a bond that blossomed into a friendship.

I only wish I could have met her sooner.

Unlike most of you here, I don't have a lifetime of memories to share today, as I've only known Eileen for a few months. But in that short time she managed to sneak her way right into my heart.

I cant imagine what all of you are going through right now.

But what I do know is that Eileen was a wonderful, sweet and loving person.
I know that she is now free from pain and suffering.
I know that she is watching over us, smiling down on us. Especially her great grandchildren.
I know that I will love and miss her always. And I am proud to call her my friend.
But most of all I know that she would want us to mourn quickly, and move on, to celebrate her life.

Rest In Peace Eileen.
Fly Free now Angel.

Fly Free Angel

So as many of my friends know I've been spending time with a wonderful woman name Eileen and her lovely family. I've been going to see Eileen in hospice everyday. As well as sleeping there at her bedside the past two nights. This woman is so amazing and her family is perfectly supportive. Eileen's daughter, Debbie, had made her a promise years ago that she would never go alone, so Debbie never left her side. Last night Debbie's husband convinced her to go home and get some rest, So I knew I had to say with Eileen. I push two wicker chairs together and curled up with Eileen's hand in mine. I fell asleep at around 10pm. I woke up at midnight and helped the nurse perform mouth care so that when she gave Eileen the morphine it would absorb. After that the nurse checked her blood pressure, and was unable to get one, (which had been the case for the past two days). The nurse came in to check on us again at about 1am. I sat and talked to Eileen for a few mins, then said "okay dear, lets go to sleep" (I was once again assuring her it was ok to let go) Then I fell asleep holding her hand again. at 2:20am the nurse tapped me awake and said "shes gone hunny" I squeezed Eileen's hand and gave her a kiss. I replied "I'll call debbie" to the nurse.

Once Debbie came she squeezed me for like 5mins and thanked me for being there. I stayed with them until about 5:30am when the funeral home came to pick up Eileen.

Debbie drove home with me, then we said goodnight.

Rest In Peace Eileen. May you enjoy your new journey. Fly Free Angel<3


As I was writing this Debbie called me, and asked if I would like to write a eulogy. I am thinking about it. I know I'll write something, Not sure if I'll have the guts to read it.



Last week.


Friday Night.


Last Night 9:30pm


Last Night, Midnight.


Last Night, Midnight.

Liberty, Loved & Lost.

Dear Liberty,

You impacted me more than I ever thought you could. I never thought we'd really lose you. I knew things had gotten bad, but I guess I just expected you to bounce back like you always do. You're so precious, and so very innocent. Your eyes, your magnificent bright blue eyes, they simply melt my heart. Though I never had the blessing of meeting you, I felt a strong connection, You're my little CHD sister. I wish I could have protected you. I wish there was something more I could have done. Your mommy and daddy love you so very much. I cant even imagine what they're feeling right now. I just know that when we lost you, a piece of all of us died along with you. In just those few short years you prove to be a true warrior, and a force to be messed with. We know you gave it your all. In the end, it was just too much. God needed you. Your brilliant smile will continue to touch hearts. You will never, ever be forgotten.

I love you Liberty.
Rest in peace precious angel.

Love Always,
Your CHD sister,
Ducky.



Dear Kellee & Mike,

My heart breaks for you both. After all the struggling you're family has gone through to provide the very best life possible for Liberty, God chose to take her home. Although its comforting to know that she is no longer suffering, it also crushes me that she couldn't know the same peace while here on Earth. She deserves the comfort that she has received but I wish you didn't have to let her go in order for her to feel it. I just want you both to know how honored I am to know you and how honored I am to have known your little girl. It is something I'll treasure forever.
I also want you to know how utterly impressed I am that you decided to donate her eyes, the fact that you managed to bring yourselves to improve the life of another child, while dealing with the heartbreak of losing your own. One thing I know, whoever receives those beautiful bright blue eyes will be eternally grateful.


Love Always,
Katelyn


(all pictures below were done by me)

Welcome to the Jungle!

So we'll start with last Monday.

Monday: class at 10am. home at noon. at work by 2:45pm.
Tuesday: go home at 7am (yes. I did a double shift), 7:30am get in the shower. 8am go to bed. 1:45pm wake up. back at work by 2:45. 11:30pm go home!
Wednesday: class at 10am. home at noon. at work by 2:45pm. home by midnight.
Thursday: at work by 2:45pm. home by midnight.
Friday: I'm OFF! FINALLY.
Saturday: at work by 2:45pm. home by midnight.

Sunday: at work by 2:45pm. home by midnight. CRAZY FREAKIN NIGHT!!!
Monday: slept through class...slept all day.
Tuesday: work by 2:45pm. home by midnight.
Wednesday: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!!!!!!

So Wednesday. Good 'ol 4west freakin exploded!
ok, not really. but I will attempt to put it into perspective. (it wont work)

We're full. no empty beds, let alone rooms!
thats 42 patient. and yeah. there was only 2 PCTs (thats me)
ugh Running around all night cant show my face in the hall without 3 ppl calling my name. confused patients refusing to stay in bed. one guy actually pulled out of his restraints, got out of bed, grabbed the bag of his roommate's foley cath and started walking away (need I remind you the other end of the cath was still inside his roommate's bladder & penis!!!)

it was chaos like that all night.

and right as I'm about to leave. another patient. had a bit of an episode. she ripped off her oxygen, pulled out her IV, crapped all over her bed, and snapped the IV tubing. (this woman is hard to handle as shes like 90% blind, hard of hearing and VERY large.) it took 4 of us (the shift was already over for all 4 of us, but hey, what can ya do about it?) so, we finally changed the sheets and a nurse gave her atavan (I cant spell) but it didnt seem to help. because just when we thought things were calm (and we'd gone and put our coats on) I peek back in as I'm walking out. and what do I see on the floor? Urine!! she ripped out her foley cath!! GAHHH!! Thats it! I'm done! its 20mins past the end of my shift! the bloody night staff can handle this one!!


now, moving on to last night.
Well first off, they called me in early because as I've said. My floor is a freakin zoo! So I got to work at about 12:30pm. That part was relatively ok, with the exception of one combative woman who thought we were all out to get her. (I couldnt even take her temp without her flailing and screaming, she actually kicked a coworker)

so 3pm rolls around. tis my shift now. I got my vital signs done quickly and without interruption! FOR ONCE! but as soon as I finished hell broke lose! again! 3 people called my name...LITERALLY...all at the same time!!!
"Katelyn, did you get my accuchecks?"
"Katelyn, we need to change 450D"
"Katelyn, I need you to move 448W into 445W"

GAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

So accuchecks come first! Finally got those done!

"Katelyn why havent you moved 448 yet?"

GAHH!

So I move 448! Then I go back to get the rest of the furniture. and once again I'm called away!

So we're in changing a patient. the reason I say "we" and not "I" is because this is a large person who I coulnt possibly move alone.
So I'm in there changing. the patient is whining that we're hurting her.
Patient: "if I didnt have to sit in it so long it would come off easier"
Nurse A: "Katelyn when a patient has Cdif you has to expect alot of diherah and check during first rounds, her family told us shes been dirty since the begining of the shift"
I keep my mouth shut.

but now let me tell you the full story.

a) I know all about the Cdif rules, I was the one that suggested she be tested for Cdif in the firs place, after her first episode of liquid stool the night before!
b) She hadnt been sitting in it long, as I said, its LIQUID therefore, it dries faster than a solid would!
c) I did check her on first rounds and she was clean.
d) she wouldnt even know if she wasnt, as she is NEVER awake for more than 15 seconds at a time.
e) her family wasnt even there at the begining of the shift. they had just gotten there.

but like I said. I didnt say any of this to Nurse A.

This patient has no self respect at all, and had been refusing to take her meds. I mean seriously if you dont care about yourself, dont expect others to care. If you're not gonna try to get better than why bother coming to the hospital.


The whole time we're in there changing the patient I'm getting lectured about things I already know. and have already done. having orders barked at me like I'm stupid.
While this nurse is just tossing things about and shoving things aside, making a disaster of the room I spent like 20mins cleaning and organizing the night before. Then she sends me out to get another pack of whipes, so I take off my gown & gloves and go wash my hands with soap and water, not the sanitizer (because these are the rules of Cdif) while I'm washing the nurse barks "Hurry it up a bit" so I do. I go and get the whipes. As I come back with them she says "before you get a gown back on go grab some diapers" And I do. (all this running back and forth is normal, but usually I get a bit more appreciation, or thanks, or at least spoken to like a person. but this time, the tone in her voice, its like shes talking to a freakin dog!) I start crying. I'm standing outside the room hold the diapers, crying. Finally I open the door. Slip in, put them on the chair, and run back out.

I go around the corner, off my unit and just sob. for like 10mins. Then, Nurse B. (a very nice nurse) comes running over and pulls me out of sight, and does the whole "are you ok?" "whats wrong?" "what happened?" thing. and I realize I'm being pathetic. I whipe my face but tears just keep coming. I explain somewhat to her. and also explain that I dont blame Nurse A, and I know its just a crazy night. but it still got to me. Nurse B understands, and tells me I can always talk to the nursing manager if its something I really have a problem with.

I pull myself together slightly and go back to my unit. Mary (my fellow PCT) comes out and sees me, and hugs me. and tells me "its all part of the learning experience, and mistakes will be made (which slightly bugs me because I didnt make a mistake, but she doesnt know that, so I let it go) ok, maybe I made a mistake by crying at work. but whatever. Then Mary leaves for dinner. So I wander down to the locker room so wash my face off. (being stopped 3 times by ppl asking whats wrong, since my eyes are still falling out of my face)

I leave the locker room. and go back about my work. Its dinner time for the patients so I just go down the hallway and ask the patients if they're ok, and if they need anything. I get into the room of who I think is one of only 2 mentally stable patients on my side of the unit as of then. (now I think theres 4 sane ppl) so I go in. and I ask her the usual questions, she asks for some soup as hers has been boiled over in th kitchen and delivered to her almost empty. I tell her I'll go see if I can accuire some fresh tomatoe soup. and I guess I had a hint of 'crying' still in my voice cuz she goes "whats wrong hunny?" and I nearly start crying all over again. Its never good when a patient sees/hears/knows you're crying.

When Mary comes back from dinner she hands me a Hersey bar an I grin. She laughs and says "you're never hard to please" and I agree. and laugh.

Anyway. the rest of the night went ok. was still crazy, but not bad.

soooooo yeah. Now I'm getting ready to go back to work. again.
at least I'm off this weekend.