Rape

This is a serious post that I felt the need to post because I'm pretty fed up with people these days.

Rape.
Rape is NOT a joke. under any circumstances. I don't care if you think you're being funny, I don't even care if you're quoting someone or something else. If you feel the need to bring it up, do so with 1 or 2 people who you know very well. Rape should never be brought up in a social setting, a room full of people, some of whom you don't know. You have no idea who could be in that room. You don't know if someone in that room was raped. Recently or in the past, rape scars you for life. Anyone who has gone through this horrific experience, knows all too well that their life was changed forever. And to hear someone, whether it be a stranger or a friend, "joke" about rape. It hurts. A lot. It can trigger flash backs, fits of rage and overwhelming emotions.



For those of you who don't know, I was raped July 5th, 2005. I was 16. I knew the person, I was dating him. I never pressed chargers. I didn't even tell anyone for years. I regret not going to the police now, and I would advice  others in the situation to do so. It will be hard at first, and that is what I was afraid of. But in the end, it will be worth it. Especially if you go to the police right after it happened. The more evidence the better. It will result in the man being put in jail and marked as a sexual predator for life. Which can help keep it from happening to someone else.


Conclusion:

If you are someone who feels the need to joke about rape, or speak lightly of it, learn to think before you open your mouth. You may not be trying to be hurtful or offensive but I assure you, you are! Honestly, it is not something that should ever be joked about regardless of where you are. But if you're stupid enough to do so, you're probably not bright enough to even realize how ignorant & heartless you sound.


If you have been raped....I urge you to seek help, even if you choose not to go to the police, talk to someone about it, family, a friend, a therapist. Don't wait, it just makes it harder.

My Dear Alan

My dearest Alan,


Today (5/3/12) marks 3 weeks that you're gone and I've been struggling with what to write to you.
You were/are by far one of the most amazing people I've ever been lucky enough to call a friend.
I will forever cherish that day we met (in person) May 25th, 2011. (even though Alli couldn't come =(...)
It was less than one year ago, and even though it was raining and my mom felt the need to tour an old church, we still had fun. And of course, who could forget that terrifying ride in the Ferris-wheel, it was bad enough that I'm afraid of heights, plus the rain didn't help. But it was time together and I will never forget that day.


And when I think of you
I will forever think of those skype chats we had for days at a time.
I will forever think of how loyal a friend, how devoted a husband to Alli, and how pure at heart you were.
I will think of all those times you were there for me, no matter what hour. You listened to what I had to say, never once did you judge me. I could tell you things I couldn't tell anyone else and know that it was safe.
I will forever think of the laughs we shared.
I will forever think of you when I hear a P!nk song. (especially "Perfect")

I know that my life, will never be the same.


You left a hole in my heart that will never be repaired. And while I am comforted to know you are finally at peace, it still hurts to know you're gone.


I love you more than you know and I miss you every day.


My Shiny.
My Best Friend.
My Hero.
My Alan. <3

Breathe Easy

June 24th, 1984 - April 12th, 2012

Breathing Hope for Alan -facebook page

Donate to Breathing Hope for Alan

More stuff from my brain

I just have a few things on my mind.

figured I'd write them somewhere.

first off. Mebsie is here, for my birthday. On Monday we went up to Conneticut again, to see Melissa & Emily. I know I had said that I wasn't going to go back up, however Melissa had to be moved to a facility because the home care nurses were unable to control her pain. The facility is much closer to me (1 1/2hrs) and its also about 10mins from Emily. So we had a nice day.

yesterday was my 23rd birthday, meaning I am now 21yrs past expiration date, lol. (I was not supposed to live to see 2) I had a pacemaker check in the morning, battery has 1-8 months left on it. The rest of the day I spent in bed. I was super cranky, and not feeling well. I did get a bunch of camera accessories & a gift card for a massage, which is awesome.

I leave for the condo on April 3rd, I'm excited to get out of here again. I'm really wanting to go on a road trip but right now my mom doesn't want me to go. I'm frustrated. I hate not doing anything with my life, but I've been told I'm not mentally stable enough to survive in the real world yet.


there is more, which I'll get back to later....

one of the hardest things I've had to do

I know I say this a lot, but this is one of the hardest things I had to do...

As many of you know, one of my dearest friends Melissa Hauser is on hospice. (end of life home care) 2 weeks ago yesterday we were talking and I asked her if she thought she would make it to Monday (which would be 3 days later) and her reply was "I'm trying hun, I'm trying".
the next morning (saturday) I backed up my shit, and got in my car, and drove to her. I spent that day with her before returning to Emily's house, which is where I was spending my nights. The next few days I made the drive from Cheshire to Vernon & back to visit Melissa. Then I decided to give the family more alone time and started going only a few days a week. It has now been exactly 2 weeks since I got here, and true to form, Melissa is still hanging on. Unfortunately I need to go home on Monday. It breaks my heart, but I have 10 doctor appointments to make, and go to, before April 3rd. I also may be getting surgery during this time as well. It has also been 3 weeks since I've seen my mom, and she is getting VERY anxious. Yesterday I said my goodbyes to Melissa, for the last time. We hugged for a long time. It was so hard, walking out that door and knowing I'd never be back. I'd never see her again. I'd never see her sweet and loving dog, Abby, again. We would never make our heart hands again. It felt so wrong, I felt so cold, just walking down her driveway. I sat in my car, just looking at her house, crying, for a good 15mins before I drove away, for the last time. Now I know, Melissa is not gone yet, however, I will not be back. It is a 3+ hour drive, and it makes my mom very nervous. I will most likely drive up for the service, when that time comes. But that will be different, I will not be driving up for a visit with my dear friend, I will be driving up to mourn her. Melissa is an amazing friend, and it kills me that I cant be there with her. I love you Melissa.






Hand Hearts Forever <3



Saying Goodbye

Update

hey everyone,
yeah its been awhile,
I've been going through a lot of hard times and just not been up for anything really.
been suffering from depression really bad. did some time in a mental health program, changed some meds around. etc. I'm still seeing a psychologist & psychiatrist.
some medical issues have come up but I'm not going to go into that.

I'm just really messed up emotionally right now and I don't know where I want to be in life.

incase you havnt noticed I deactivated my facebook, the world of CF is far too overwhelming right now, and I can't handle anymore sadness/loss/sickness/grief in my life.


I love you all.

Clinical Depression

What people need to understand about Clinical Depression is that just because things in life may be going smoothly doesn'tt mean things inside are going just as good.
With Clinical Depression you dont need a reason to feel unhappy.
When bad things happen, it makes sufferers feel worse.
Sometimes good things may improve symptoms, but thats not always the case.

Basically what I'm getting at is; Yes, I just got home from a wonderful vacation. BUT, YES! I'm still feeling very axious, nervous, oversensitive and sad.
I don't need a reason! Thats just how it works.

Please stop harping me and telling me I should be fine. I'm not.

Emotions

So much is going on in my head and my heart. I'm not sure where to start really, so I feel I'll just ramble. Deal with it.

It seem like people are dropping all around me. with the most recent being my own uncle.

its causing regressios in my depresion. I've been feeling the need to cut again.

I'm moody, irritable, lonely all the tme, never hungry or starving, I havnt slept in 4 days. I'm having problems at work. I dont know what to do anymore.

I'm losing it. I've got an increase in my anti depressants and a new sleep aide. but this sleep aide is Ambien, and I'm afraid to take it.

I've been having palpatations, I shake all the time, I cant breathe, I feel like I'm going to break.

I'm scared.

My shrink basically told me I need to pull myself together because I'm not the only one in my family that needs support (I.E. my grandmother and my mom)

I know that, I understand that, But I cant help it. I'm cracking. I want to cry all the time.

I feel like my friends dont want me around.

the only people I've been able to talk to are Mebsie, Maria and Daniella.

I cant deal with people and their rumors and lies and drama.

I just want to get away from everyone.

But I cant.

Help me.

Someone. Help Me.