STRESSING!

stressing over life I guess. time is running out before I go back to work. I havnt yet decided what unit I wanna work on. I have to find out if they're gonna let me come back the 2nd week of december cuz I have to know if I'm going to London cuz I have to figure out what to do with the international phone.

I also have the opportunity to go to Missouri for Thanksgiving.
but if I go to Missouri then I'll be going straight from there to London, which would mean an absurd amount of packing.
but I really wanna do both

but then as soon as I get back I'll be going back to work so I dont know when Mebsie is gonna be able to come out, and when we're gonna be able to go see Melissa.

its like on the one hand, I'm desperate to go back to work cuz I love my job, plus, with Christmas coming, I need the money. but on the other hand I'm dreading it, cuz I love being able to just spontaneously do something.

and I REALLLLLY need to get working on school stuff because I'm supposed to go back to school in January, which I'm dreading but I need to get the ball rolling.
but I cant even start studying without freaking out. and its making me want to just give up. I'm starting to think I just cant do it!

plus, I dont wanna be a new nurse at the age of 30, its not even worth it by that point.

F**k This!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!
My trip was cancelled.
now I'm out a boatload of cash.
I'd just finished packing yesterday. and now I'm not going
I had to cancel all the fun stuff I had scheduled.
My dad got brought into the hospital last night,
and is in surgery now.
I hate the hospital he is in. HATE IT!
his nurse today was a total moron and had no idea what she was doing.
she didn't even know how to get the air out of his IV line.
Which honestly pissed me off to the point I almost told her to get out!
I've also still got a lot going on with my friends and former friends.
Shit I really don't need right now. Most of it over something pointless and insignificant. which just makes it worse.
I feel like I've hit a brick wall. Completely at my wits end.
and I really just don't want to deal with anything anymore.
I don't want to go back to school.
I don't want to go back to my place of employment, however I also don't want to start over at a new place of employment.
I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything.
at all. ever.


you can all keep your rude comments to yourselves about this too.
because so help me God, if I get any bullshit feedback from this you'll regret it.

Confusion

well yeah,
as some of you have heard, I was fired from my job because I couldnt get cleared to go back.
However thats not the case. When I called Human Resorces they told me that my boss couldnt fire me. (theres more detail to that but I dont feel like going into it)

I'm thinking about taking a photography & graphic design course. (associates degree)

So next week my mom has meetings in both London & Oxford. and we were going to try to use her frequent flier miles to bring me along. however I'm not seeing much of a point anymore. I've lost all my friends. because I'm a huge jerk. and no one wants to see me.
I'm counting on abbeh. my one UK friend who hasnt turned me down.
ILY abbeh <3

Health Updates / Perfect Gift

health update time:

Health is getting better. I have my meeting with occupational health tomorrow to see if they will clear me to come back to work. My cardiologist still has me on a heart monitor, and is still trying to work out the right meds for me but thinks I should be good enough to go back to work. My neurologist agrees.

My return to work note says:
"Katelyn Bush carries a new diagnoses of Neurocardiogenic Syncope,
Based upon the results of recent evaluations,
Katelyn is restricted from activities of height or near an unguarded body of water due to the risk of fainting.
Katelyn should be allowed to maintain a source of fluids, such as water or gatorade during work/class.
Katelyn may return to work but should be allowed to modify her work schedule as necessary.

In General Katelyn should be allowed to rest whenever necessary and should not be asked or compelled to complete tasks beyond her self determined exercise capacity. "

I'm very excited to go back, and I'm really hoping to go back full time, though the doctor at occ. health may suggest I go back full time. Which I guess would be ok, but I'd still prefer to go back to my life. and my full time job!


now, onto the gift!

So, I need help thinking of the perfect gift for my mom.
I know her birthday was 2days ago. she knew it was going to be late.
But I dont know what to get. I was going to get a paraffin wax tub. but I've decided not to. Everyone knows my mom is like my best friend. and I need this to be perfect.

please. any suggestion would be nifty!

health update

So for anyone who didn't know, my white cell count was recently found to be low. Also multiple lumps were found in my lymph nodes in my neck and under my arms. While theres no answer to why my cell count is low, I've been given the good news that everything looks benign, I have my next follow up is in 3 months.

So lost without you

The first guy I meet. the first decent guy I meet.
The first one I let in. the first one I let truly see me.
The first guy I feel like I can really trust.
In over five years. Since my rape.

Tells me he doesnt label relationships. 'they are what they are'
And doesn't think of me as a 'girlfriend' but simply a 'friend'


I wish I knew that before I started letting him in.
Before we kissed.
Before I started falling for him.



I can't believe I let myself fall so hard, so fast.
I'm so stupid.
I want my mom.




Taken from my 'Duck Facts' not on facebook:
-I love too fast.
-I trust too easily.
-I need my mom more than anyone will ever know.

Update

Right, So heres a few updates.

I has a new boy of interest. (as of July 23rd) and he rocks :)


Also I've been out of work since the 29th of July. and will be out for awhile longer. I'm officially on medical leave.

Started with High blood pressure. which was fixed by changing my meds and adjusting my pacemaker. (161/141 was my usual for a few days)

Then the fun started.
Dizziness, floaters, passing out. Daily.
we've established its not my heart. I'm jumping around from doctor to doctor.
Neurologist, Optomologist, ENT. & more.

Checking cell counts, kidney function, and everything else under the sun.

its annoying. I miss my job. I just want them to figure out what it is, fix it, and let me get on with my life.